What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
14.06.2025 22:04
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Why is it common for guys to sleep with 10-20 women then marry a good girl?
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I will be 64.
Is it normal to hate my dog, but feel too guilty to get rid of him?
This is how, and why children get BPD.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
What's your wildest & weirdest fantasy?
I have no regrets .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
How do people develop stage 4 cancer without noticing until it’s too late?
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
But, we were locked up after school.
When she asked me how she looked .
How did you become popular in school?
I was scared of men, in general
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I don,t even have a pension.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Why cant I motivate myself to go to school (grade 10)?
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Are Americans really as uneducated and ignorant as portrayed in the media?
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
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He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
What is the scariest thing that ever happened in your life?
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Why am I sweating so much when I try to do anything?
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
What are "the new net zero jobs of tomorrow" that SNP's Stephen Flynn says his party would create?
Why did i forgive my father ?
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
All the time i was locked up.
Especially a lifetime of it.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
My family never makes their pension either.
Comes on , in middle age.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
But it wasn’t much.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
My life is so biszare .
I said to her
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
She was in good health!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I never cut or harmed myself..
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Put me off passion for life!!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
(And it was in our own minds.)
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I write beautiful poetry .
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
The only rule us 5 kids had .
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
This is soul school!.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
So, i spoilt her more .
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I could never make a relationship work though!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I waited trembling.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Who then, do I blame.?
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
So whats the point in blame.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Would this be the day?
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I couldn’t, believe it.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
What did i know ?
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I was 9 years of age.
Ive learnt so much.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
He knew the spot.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
She married twice! .
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
One cannot live in the past .
She wouldn,t have been !
We were not on the streets..
We all went to grammer schools
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
She found it foreign!.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
And i lived it daily.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
She loved him until the end.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I think the readers, may guess!
It was going to be , some day.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I was very sick at this time too.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Im still living with it.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I was seconnd youngest,
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.